A Quiet Listening: A Quiet Negotiation

A Quiet Negotiation

Self abandonment =
the act of forfeiting myself for the sake of another. the act of diminishing myself for another. the act of becoming small for another. the act of becoming tolerable to the taste buds of another. and at the expense of me.

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What happens when you realize you weren’t chosen?

Or at least when you feel like you weren’t ?

“Here it goes again”. The pattern that feels so subtle…and reasonable.

To be more…

Understanding.

Funnier.

Softer.

Which in itself isn’t bad…

But when it exist as modes of performance to be kept

It becomes questionable.

Leaving me at war with my own soul.

It didn’t feel obvious, self abandonment that is.

It felt necessary. Expected. Even kind.

But not obvious.

The choice between a need and connection.

The questioning of worth when capacity didn’t quite align.

I have done that.

I became a master at negotiating, with myself that is.

“This didn’t really align with my needs” and “Maybe I needed too much”

“I will find my crowd” and “I’ll change my outfit maybe I’ll be noticed”

“I desire to be loved differently” and “Don’t expect too much”

Somehow the latter won.

I made myself the “problem” when the only truth to accept was that sometimes people don’t have the capacity.

The capacity to meet me where I am

To fully understand me

A dance that leaves more scars than acceptance.

That’s a hard truth to swallow…because what would be left to fix if the issue wasn’t me?

Where did I learn that worth was equivalent to capacity.

That relationships would work if I was slightly “different”.

That others acceptance should lead to quiet negotiations with myself.

It's interesting.

How quickly the mind can begin building a case against itself.

All to be…

And somehow all the evidence that I needed to change made me miss “me”.